<< Mar. 13, 2003 >>

*deep breath*

topic #1-jake

i gave jake my number, jake called the next day and we went on a date, we went on a few dates, we kissed twice, we liked each other, we had alot of fun together but i told him how i felt for clint and now we aren't seeing each other. i told him that i didn't know what i felt for clint and that i am taking time to find out. i told him that i had always seen myself marrying clint but perhaps right now wasn't the moment we were supposed to be together. jake was so cool about it all. he said he didn't want to stand in the way of me and clint and he totally understood if i wanted to get back with clint. he wrote me the sweetest email explaining everything. sure, i liked him and i was attracted to him but it wasn't meant to be. he is so cool about it all and that just makes me respect him so much.

so i was reading the email i had printed out to my sister and i just started getting teary eyed. i proceeded to to tell her that i liked jake but it wasn't clint. she rolled her eyes and i got REALLY upset and went to my room and fell on the bed and started bawling into my yellow pillowcase that now must be washed. she came in to talk to me and she apologized. i told her i didn't feel like i could talk to anybody about how i feel. so she asked me what i felt and i said exactly this "I AM IN LOVE WITH CLINT AND I FEEL LIKE NOBODY CARES!!" so i said that and kinda stopped breathing for a second. that's when i realized everything. i was in love with clint. i guess i have been all along but it took me having feelings for jake to realize that. jake was no doubt awesome, but being with him sparked all my emotions for clint. i know now. it feels good. he knows. that feels even better. we are in love. finally, it's clear.

<< Mar. 13, 2003 >>