<< Mar. 25, 2003 >>

let me start off by saying this. i don't hate you jessica.

so now, let me say this. there aren't many things that piss me off or make me even slightly upset. besides the drivers in lubbock. but i have grown up with the insecurity of not being smart. my whole life, my sister has been the one getting A's and i have been the one getting C's. it seemed like a breeze for her to get A's but i struggled to get C's. my parents constantly praised her for her good grades and working so hard when i was working just as hard, if not harder, but i still didn't make good grades. i was under the impression i was stupid. i realized i wasn't good at school and i simply wasn't smart. the only thing i was good at didn't involve my brain. and that was playing volleyball. i was good at that. my sister was the smart one, and i was the athletic one. although she was athletic too, so that sucked for me. i grew up thinking i wasn't smart and i pretty much proved it every time i got C's. even now, my SISTER is the nurse and here i am flunking out of college. my parents are giving no mental support. instead, they are mentally damaging me with their negativity. it's hard for me to deal with the fact that i'm not the smartest person. i am very sensitive about it. when people say i'm stupid, gay as it sounds, it hurts my feelings. that is pretty much the only thing that can hurt my feelings. every time clint called me stupid, i would get upset and not talk to him. i can't help the way i am. i want to be smart but i'm not. i try to be as intellectual as i can but when i am shot down and torn apart and made fun of because i don't get things right, it upsets me. it's only natural and i have grown up with thinking i was dumb. and i can't seem to do anything right. it's frustrating because i feel like everyone looks at me like i am dumb as rocks. maybe i am, but i don't need to hear it from everyone else. so that is where i am coming from. it's hard to tell what's a joke and what's serious on a computer. words don't show the right expressions sometimes when seen on a computer screen. God didn't give me much in the way of brains, but i am trying to do what i can with what i have and if i come off as dumb, then i'm sorry but please don't rub it in my face.

<< Mar. 25, 2003 >>