<< 04/12/2003 >>

i captured the biggest living spider, besides the tarantula, tonight. inside my own living room. i was watching a movie with the lights off and even in the dark, i saw this massive creature crawling on the floor out of the corner of my eye. so i glanced and saw what i thought was satan. out of instinct, i shreaked loudly arousing the suspicions of the sleeping dog next to me. i kinda froze because i knew that i had to put something over it before it crawled underneath the couch or something. so i jumped over the back of the couch and RAN to turn the lights on and shuffled around looking for something to put over it. i found something plastic and freaking about died of terror walking over to it. it was standing still as if it was ready to eat me. god i was shaking so bad. so i slowly started to lower the plastic and i started squealing and lexi started barking and as soon as i put the plastic over it, it started going bazerk and jumping and crawling around really fast so i screamed and lexi started biting my hand like i was attacking myself or something. i was running on pure adrenaline. so i just stared at this HUGE spider that somehow got into my house. let me just tell you how big it is. i put my finger up to the side of the plastic and this spider spanned from the tip of my index finger to the middle joint. i have long fingers too. i would estimate a little under 2 inches. from back legs to front legs. eek. that makes me nervous to sleep. if one of those crawled on me in my sleep, i would freeze in sheer terror. my arachnaphobia is out of control.

speaking of sleep. i had about the most absolute worst dream last night. it hurts my heart thinking about it. i was in my house back home but it wasn't my house. you know how that goes. i went into my parents room and saw a note my mom had written me. i can't remember what it said but it was along the lines of "be a good girl and i'm sorry i can't be at your wedding" and stuff like that. so in my head i had figured out that she had died. but she didn't just die, she commited suicide. so i bawled so hard and my heart felt like it died. my dad came in and told me it was true. i almost felt betrayed by my mother. i didn't understand why she would kill herself. so throughout my dream, i was just crying all the time and i missed her so bad. things that i would see would remind me of her and all the pain would come back and i would cry more. i would walk around the garden outside of the house and have all these mixed emotions of pain, anger, sadness and everything inbetween. this dream felt so real. so i woke up from that dream and almost felt relieved it wasn't real. so i fell back asleep and my second dream was about the same thing. except in this dream it was my grieving process. i remember i was supposed to go play volleyball and instead i ended up in those big room with chairs and a pulled down screen in the front and people were in there just watching a movie on that screen. i turned around and saw my mom in the back. she saw me and gave me that "i love you smile" and passed up an envelope that eventually got to me. i opened it up and she had put pictures of when she was my age just having fun. pictures of her just sitting on the couch or laughing or something. i was looking through all these pictures and started bawling again because it was so emotional. she loved me so much she wanted me to remember her in a good way and to not be sad. the next thing i know, i am walking with her outside and i was asking her why she killed herself. it was as if she came back for a second to explain things to me because i didn't understand. she said that she felt like she had failed as a mother and that she didn't feel like she helped my dad become the best person he could be and she didn't feel like she deserved to live. hearing those words come out of her mouth, even in a dream, gave me this emotion i can't even explain. i hugged her one last time and told her how much i loved her and that she never failed me as a mother and i missed her so bad and wanted her to come back. when i was hugging her i was having flashbacks of my childhood when she was playing with me and helping me blow out birthday candles and holding me in her arms singing to me. and then i woke up. it was the most real dream i have ever had. i felt every emotion, and every tear felt so real. it was odd and i talked to my sister about it. my sister told me that my mom does feel like a failure. when she said that my heart just dropped. so i emailed my mom and just spilled out my heart to her. i haven't done that in over a year.

my mom feels like she failed because of me. that's what my sister told me. that because of ME, my mom feels like a failure. imagine what that felt like. it really hurt my feelings but it kinda pissed me off because i haven't done anything for her to feel like a failure as a mother. and i explained all this to jessie. i told her that i don't party, i don't get drunk, i don't do drugs and do stuff that lands me in jail, and i am going to COLLEGE so how can that make someone feel like a failure? jessie said that my mom constantly worries about me and school. she thinks my head isn't into it, which is totally correct. i got really upset during this conversation. it just sucks to hear that i am making my moms life hell. and it was like jessie was trying to act like she's perfect and feels sorry for mom having to deal with me, the estranged daughter. like i am some psycho drug dealer or something. just because my sisters a nurse and my mom is proud of her doesn't automatically make me a FAILURE! i mean, shit. i've always felt inferior to jessie but this one just took the cake. i know that i struggle in school. that's no secret but my mom thinks i am going to drop out and become some bum. jessie said she always worries about what i'm going to do when i end up without a degree. WHEN i end up without a degree. that hurts my feelings so bad. my own mother doesn't have faith in me. i plan to finish college. it may seriously take 10 years but i am going to finish. but i am still confused. just because i suck at college, doesn't mean my mom is a failure. i guess she bases all of her values and morals on college. which sucks. if she failed me as a mom, this is what i would be like...

#1. NOT A CHRISTIAN

#2. alcoholic

#3. party animal

#4. weed smoker

#5. drug dealer

#6. a selfish heart

#7. a closed up soul

#8. homeless

#9. pregnant

all those right there are signs of a failed mom. but my mom has put so much love and effort and put so many values and morals into me that i still follow, that it's not fair to say she failed because i am having trouble with school. it just doesn't make sense. so now i feel bad for not waking up with enthusiasm to go to school every morning. it was just too ironic to have that dream and hear that my mom actually DOES feel like a failure. i wrote a p.s. and asked her not to commit suicide. dang it was freaky thinking about it. my sister and i have talked about it and if my mom died, i would want to die too. i couldn't live without my mom. there is no way. i love that woman way too much.

well i just wrote for a very long time. this diary is therapy. i'm nervous to go to sleep tonight. i will probably dream about either being attacked by giant spiders or my mom dying again. ugh! so i guess i'll stay up forever.

<< 04/12/2003 >>